A Reflection

 I admit there were times when I couldn’t help but question His existence and almost believed He’s not real.

There was once, or twice, when I thought that heaven and hell don’t really exist. Because when we die, it would only seem like we have fallen into sleep with no dream at all, meaning, we don’t have any single idea of what’s going on. The only difference is, we will not wake up anymore, and we will forget everything we came to know about in this world. Zero consciousness, that is. Yeah, that was my thinking about what’s next after death; it has nothing to do with Him or eternal condemnation and the like.

I also came to think that yes, He made the world. He made us. But who made Him? He couldn’t just pop up and start creating things. That’s hilarious. But then, in the quest for an answer, there’s one that I found fit, “Because He’s God”. However, I still was not convinced.,

Last night, I watched THE BIBLE. It made me realize what a shame I had been for having a faith that could easily be shaken. For being so unbelieving. Maybe, if I was born during the time of Abraham, I would have been one of those who mocked at him and considered him insane about a God who could not be seen. And I would have been one of those who burned down in Sodom and Gomorrah. It was that scene that started to hit me right on my chest. And the words of Abraham “Let’s just have faith in Him.” played in my ears like a harmony and dissected those unbelieving nerves dwelling in my heart out. Then, the movie rolled to the time of Moises. For 20 years, I only knew of the entire story of the Israelite captives who were set free just last night. What a shame for reading four entire thick books of Harry Potter while I could not even stand through three chapters of the bible.

I watched how the movie showed that God really exists. That if you only have faith – a strong and unshakable one – nothing is impossible with Him. Moises kept on saying about trusting in the Lord. When he would say that, I would look at my mother (who was then busy with something else) and tell her, “Have faith in Him, ma!”. See, my mum has this 8-year-old arthritis in both feet, and many were the times when she’d get weary of believing in Him and His mighty works.

I am living life according to His will. I would even do my best to bring mum and bro closer to Him. It’s just that, there are times when I question Him: if it’s true that He’s with us, if He hears the prayers of millions of people around the world, if He really does exist. What a shame for reading the bible almost every day when I could not even establish an unshakable faith in Him here in my very own heart.

I know. I know. You don’t have to say it on my face. My faith is not unswerving. It’s not a hundred percent whole and I feel so guilty about that. His son doesn’t deserve to be on that cross for me. It is I who should be there. But His son took my place a thousand years ago, even before my grandparents were born. Well, His son took the cross not just for me, but for everybody. For our salvation. And that sends me more guilt. Because I don’t deserve such big sacrifice. Yet, the thought of that transforms me.

Funny how a movie, rather than the bible as its source, gave me the biggest realization in my life: yes, the Lord could not be seen, but…

just HAVE FAITH IN HIM.

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