I Am

… a sinner.

I answer my parents when they reprimand me for doing undesirable and wrongful acts. I get mad. Anyway, it’s my life; I can do whatever I want. So when they tell me what to and not to do, correct me, scold me, beat me… rage is my refuge. I answer them back and stomp to my room with hatred swirling inside me that I want to just explode. That “Honor your mother and father” statement in the bible? So what??

I indulge in drugs. With it, I feel strong. I feel powerful, I feel like nothing can beat me, like I can snap the world in my hands. Ridiculously, I also see creatures. One time, I saw a demon in our house so I killed it. Imagine? I killed a demon! I am that mighty! The next thing I knew, my grandma laid lifelessly on the same spot where I killed the demon. Wait. I only killed a demon, not my grandma!

I was trembling when I did it. I didn’t expect it would reach that point but I needed to do it just to save my ass from being the subject of everybody’s chatter. After I knew that a life was forming inside me, I got terrified. I was afraid of what people might say. I was still too young, how could I manage a younger one? It was unplanned. My boyfriend and I just had an outburst of uncontrollable emotions that we were so light to be carried away. But to have a baby? No. I don’t want to have one yet so I had it out of me in one of the cubicles of the female comfort room in our university. I flushed the defenseless creature and left like I only flushed a natural body waste.

I lied to my partner in life. I had actually been romancing somebody else and we do what my partner and I do as a couple. I also go to clubs with dancers almost naked onstage and enjoy at the sight. I go home late at night and make convincing alibis when asked as to my whereabouts. I cheated (but continually does, and this time with somebody else) on my partner but I am wise. This dark secret will only be known when I’d be lying on that casket. But if I get caught before that, we’ll, let’s just cross the bridge when we get there. I could only care less. Our marriage has gotten boring and unexciting and bitter and plaguey. So all of these extra-curricular activities I do? They make me happy. Let me be. This is me.

I lost my dignity as a woman. I dance exposing my lumps onstage for money. For extra, I go out with customers after shift to give them delight. Sacredness? Nah. I can’t go back and change my destiny. It already happened. I’m living in the moment and maybe it’s better if I finish what was started. Anyway, I earn money and apparently, losing my dignity doesn’t matter to me anymore. This is my way of living and eventually, I learned to accept my fate. Unlike me, however, my other colleagues don’t. They’re just squeezed by circumstances and topping the list is financial scarcity. Well you can go ahead and call us names but we don’t give a damn coz you’re not the one feeding us anyway. In the first place, who are you to judge?

I would do anything for money. And when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING even when it means putting an end to one’s life. I know this ain’t right to be a subject for bragging (however, I’m not really bragging, but just so you know) – their number outnumbered my fingers. I’m actually a hired you-know-what. I work for people who want my service and in return, they give me money. Anyway, I don’t know the people whom my bosses order me to shoot down, so there’s basically no pity when I pull the trigger at least twice. There were even situations when I shot a man in front of a kid (who’s either his son or nephew; I could only care less nevertheless). Anyway, I’m after the money that awaits for me every after successful job. I know this is an immoral act. But the world’s just like the jungle and us, the animals. Survival of the fittest, yeah, very much like that.

I admit. I steal. I don’t have kleptomania or whatever disease that involves getting things owned by others. It would have saved me a whole lot of hassle you know, if I had one – attached with me is a valid reason I can put up whenever circumstances lead me to being caught. Truth is, I steal to have money and things that I want but can’t have. And sometimes, in pressing situations, I take away with me anybody’s life who’d try to stop me. So if you want to be spared, get out of my way and let me do my thing.

I’ve become the favorite subject of problems. I’ve grown weary battling them especially in times when I feel like the only person living in this world with nobody to ask help for. Even God somehow abandoned me. Eventually, I learned to loosen my grip. He’s nowhere to be found. You say in our hearts? You say everywhere? Bull. Pardon me for the word. But for me, believing in Him is somewhat like wishing on a shooting star, throwing coins on a wishing well, keeping fingers crossed and stuff like that. We only plant hopes which we hold on to. It’s not that I need His physical presence in front of my very own eyes for me to completely believe that He’s real. Well, uh, maybe it boils down to that. But it’s just that, if He really does exist, who created Him? He must have come somewhere. He can’t just pop up and start creating things. I just… doubt it. I doubt Him. Urgh! I don’t know. I’m confused.

I am a busy person that I find it a reward to be able to sleep at least 6 hours a day. I have so many things to tend to and I am the type of person who doesn’t settle for okay. I work hard to meet things, and as much as possible, beyond expectations. I am so busy that even during weekends, I’m still dealing with certain things so that when I’m asked by my friends to hear mass with them, I decline. Finishing my works are really important and they can’t wait for tomorrow especially when the next day’s a Monday. Nah. So yes, I am busy that my concept of relaxation is the typical beach outing but just with myself so I can find solace. Silence. Peace. And hey, yes, God? I talk to Him when I’m in need. When I have problems. When I’m down. When I’m lost. But those times are just rare, so yeah, I’m always the busy me.

I think undesirably, both evil and perverted. I watch porn, play intense games that involve killings (even if it’s not real) or diabolic heroes and stuff. I have posters of sexy girls who pose seductively in their almost-revealing two-piece suits. These things give me company and help me shake boredom off when I’m alone and I just, urgh, love ‘em.

I am a sinner.

And at certain points in my life, I feel empty. I feel that I lack something. Something irreplaceable. Something so powerful but at the same time humble. Something penetrating. Something divine. And no matter how I try to figure that out with all the possible alternatives in the world, in the end, it’s HIM who can actually fill this emptiness in me.

Yes, I have committed countless sins. I have backslid from Him for countless times. Such unbelieving and Evanish (easily falling to evil and temptations) me. Shameful me. Selfish me. Unworthy-of-His-love me.

But I want to be cleansed. I want to do good things and not those that make me sin. I want to change for the better. For myself. For being the reason of that sacrificial love on the cross. For my salvation. For eternal life and not condemnation.

“Father, I know that I have broken your laws and my sins have separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life toward you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.” http://www.allaboutgod.com/prayer-of-forgiveness.htm

Let me end this post with these two beautiful songs – Lead Me To The Cross and All For Love that I love so much. Have a blessed holy week, my loves. 🙂