Shall I?

Notwithstanding how much I’ve avoided idling time away and slipping into pathetic reveries, I found myself losing and reluctantly giving in. After a long and draining day, despite my desire to reward myself with a heavy sleep to recharge all my worn out muscles, here I am, lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I knew this would happen, because ahh, it always does.

Six months. No, that’s not long, especially to a broken heart that tries its best to mend itself and heal all the scars, only to find out that at the end of the day, it fails. An extra-ordinary person broke it into pieces, and maybe, it will take years to make it whole again.

I know I have to move on but I just can’t. I’m stuck in this cage that has no plans of setting me free. I am stuck in this thing called love.

All the memories come rushing in, fresh like the dews in the sweet daylight break. Fresh like they happened just yesterday. I know this sounds crazy but everywhere I look, I see your face and all the beauty in it. Man enough, I should have been just over this a long time ago and started dating somebody else. But, you were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and until now, I have never understood how it ended just like that, as though you ending it was the simplest thing you’ve ever done in this world.

***

That same night as I stared up the ceiling, hundreds of miles away, she was crying as she went over the draft a hundred times. She was lying on the hospital bed, so thin and pale with her hair sparsely scattered on her head. She held the draft she’d written months ago and with never-ebbing tears, she silently read:

Dear Elmo,

By the time you read this letter, I’m already gone. Sorry if I didn’t tell you, but Moe, I had leukemia that worsened everyday that passed. I’m sorry, I told you that I don’t love you anymore; I was wishing that you’d think ill of me and eventually make you fall out of love for me. That was the only thing I had in mind, so I couldn’t hurt you because I love you so much. I did it this way so that by the time you come to know about everything, you already have someone who’d replace me in your heart.

There are some things I want to tell you though, Moe.

  1. I’ve always dreamed that we’ll be wed.
  2. I’ve always wanted you to own me at the night of our marriage.
  3. I would have wanted to have kids with you, namely Elmo Jr., Julie Anne, and Julielmo. I have always dreamed of having Team Magalona.
  4. You completed my life and added more colors to it. During those times with you, I forgot I was sick and you made me stronger to hold on. But we couldn’t beat Him. When He says it’s time, so be it.
  5. I love you, Moe. And I always will.

She gently folded the letter as she finished reading it, her hands shaking. She closed her eyes and reviewed his vivid image in her mind, silently uttering the words I love you.

***

My eyelids reluctantly swung open as I felt some illuminating warmth that caressed my eyes. Oh, it’s already morning. I’ve fallen asleep last night without closing the windows, allowing the sun to invade my room and kiss my eyes a beautiful morning.

I was about to haul myself up when I saw this beautiful white butterfly coming in, flying through my room, and finally landing on the sheets beside me. It was so beautiful that I suddenly remembered her, because for me, she embodies the word beautiful. Then, without realizing it, these words slipped from my tongue while staring at the beautiful creature: “I still love you, Julie. You will always be the love of my life and will forever be engraved in my heart. But… shall I really let go of you now?”

The butterfly stayed on the sheets for a moment and then flapped its wings to fly, out of my room, making its way to the sky.

But wait, did I just feel someone’s presence?

Credits to the owner of this beautiful sketch! 🙂

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